First Stop, Bangkok

Admittedly, this post is a little late. (Try 365 days.) 

I first decided to sack off my life and head into the unknown after I’d finished Uni and was stuck in a call centre having to deal with absolute cretins on a daily basis. My friend Hannah and I were causing havoc in our home town every Saturday night; fuelled by blue WKDs and break-ups, when her aunty had - very kindly - offered for us to go and stay with her for a while in Sydney. We booked our flights, made a very poor effort of saving some money and I sold what little possessions I had to fund my life 11,000 miles away from home.

We had a plan. For those of you who don’t know us personally, at this stage I would have compared us to a human version of Pinky and The Brain or perhaps Karl Pilkington. We aimed to stay in Australia and save money until the end of June, travel Asia for the summer and then return to Australia until we fancied coming home.

At this stage, I’d love to go in to detail about all the things we did, but I only have my hazy memories and my year-old tweets to refer to. All I know is that we had a lot of fun and saved a respectable sum of money.

So, the 26^th June 2013 came around and we flew to Bangkok. Hannah’s boyfriend had joined us in Australia in mid-June and we were meeting Ami a couple of days later in the most ridiculous city in the world. My first impression of Thailand (not sure if it counts if you’re on the plane there, but I’m going to continue) was a small child who was sat in front of us on the plane. His name was Hassan. I can only presume he was a genetically-modified, mutant child created by Hitler, Bin Laden and Pol Pot and instructed to be violent and rude to anyone he met on the way. After repeatedly turning round and hitting, slapping and shouting at us (his parents were fantastic role models as you can imagine), Lee pointed out the window and said “Ping Pong Thailand.” Hassan The Devil Child, who may I point out did not speak a word of English prior to that moment began to repeat “Ping Pong Thailand” over and over again. This could have been bearable but of course, the entire English speaking community of that flight were staring at us as if we’d just threatened them all with a hijacking. I felt very much like Ben Stiller in Meet The Fockers.

Our first night in Bangkok was spent in a hotel next to the airport as we landed late at night. Having never been used to backpacker accommodation, I remember thinking it was like a prison. No hot water?! No TV?! The worst part, (which a few weeks in I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid at) were the lizards that we shared the room with. I woke up several times that night to Hannah shouting “THERE’S MORE THAN ONE! THERE’S TWO OF THEM! THEY’RE BEHIND THE AIRCON UNIT.” If only I realised then how lucky we were to have an Aircon unit in the room.

The whole 3 months I was away I ended up in Bangkok three times. I ventured off the Khoa San Road once. I love the place. It’s like being in a grottier, cheaper, hotter version of the Magaluf strip. The first day I was there I was chased down the road by a palm reader after I ran away from him. He wanted the equivalent of £60 off me after he (very accurately) told me everything going on in my life and predicted I would never die in a plane crash. When Ami arrived on Hannah’s birthday I experienced my first 7/11 cheese and ham toastie. I feel like I have made a lifelong bond with this local delicacy, it was the saviour to many Samsong hangovers. That night we decided to experience some local culture and headed off to a Ping Pong show. I can’t say I remember much, I think I lost my mind around about the time I suggested buying scorpions and eating them. Anyway, we squished into the back of this Tuk-Tuk and were taken to a back alley somewhere in Bangkok (safety first as always.) All I remember is some darts bursting balloons and a string of Christmas lights being strung up around the room after being contained in some poor Thai Woman’s vagina. I spent my evening sat down with my head between my legs (not hers) throwing up the 2 buckets of methanol that I’d previously consumed.

I only have hilarious memories of Bangkok. Drinking Colombian Sailors rum which led Ami to believe they’d spiked us. Various nights ending in The Club. Having a raging argument with a Thai ‘woman’ who claimed she’d made us a Cosmopolitan but it only contained Rum and Coke. Hair Braids. Rats the size of cats. Proposals to Tuk-Tuk drivers. Inappropriate bracelets, namely “I <3 Jill Dando”. Massage parlours that I can only presume are actual brothels. Eyebrow tattoos. Foot graters. Rooftop pools. Copious amounts of Chang beer. Glorious chicken fried rice. Accents. Ladyboys. And the world’s best Casio watches.